UDC4: Ramblings of War
by MsLanna
Summary: Ramblings, as the title said. Unfinished since I lost interest.
1. Week 1

1. Flash in the pan

If only, if only. But no. I see your face everywhere. No big deal, not for real. But too close. It hurts. I hurt, but maybe it's just a flash in the pan, just a man, one among millions. There are too many of them out there. And I, right here - nothing to do but worry.

Remember sunshine in the park, an ocean of grass, a careless remark. One voice, and I hear it when I close my eyes, those were the days. No, they weren't, no different, no chance no change. I'm cold and no coat can warm me.

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2. Out on a limb

and hanging from one hand. Nothing below me but the white ocean. So many, too many. Mine? Impossible to say. If only he doesn't blow up. The choice was mine and mine alone, so here I am: out on a limb in a hurricane. When shall we few meet again? Probably never.

If only I could close my eyes and see the images no more, but what to gain? My memory is all to clear. Whish you were here. Maybe it will snow again. I like snow, nothing below me but the white ocean. But who wants to live forever?

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3. Out of the blue

Like thunderbirds bearing down without mercy, thunder in my bone and not forgotten. Never forget, maybe forgive. This is war, what did I expect? _Sunshine in the park._ Boots thundering on when the freighters were gone. One step, single step, the ground shakes. I'm still shaking- your making. And on the horizon a bleeding red streak - morning. Were art thou?

Out of the blue and right back again, one step. No turning back. A white tide at night overrunning everything, overflowing, and leaving white bits behind like foam. Left behind, looking up into the blue sky - you were so unexpected.

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4. Wet behind the ears

It's not tears, I promise. I promised. Never tears! I'm here, right here, not crying. It's just the rain. I called for snow, but the rain falls on. Covers me slowly, inevitably soaked. With my face heavenward, waiting. It's just the rain, I promise. Since you left it's what I have left. You and me in the rain - _sunshine in the park_. I wish but you don't understand.

We are just a memory that I must keep so it doesn't vanish, evaporate. Remember, I can do that. And wait. In the rain.

Too young he said, and it still hurts.

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5. Heat of the moment

I should have said no, turned my back, walked away. But those eyes. You had me, you know? You know. I know. Those eyes are older than the two of us together, and you looked so lost and in need of -

Eyes of fire. I burnt, I still burn. Never regret, never forget. You will be back and I will be here, right here. No tears, as promised. And your eyes follow me through the night. I follow you, too, through the star-sprinkled skies. And all our tomorrows and all our todays, dumped into one word that nobody hears.

Hope


	2. Week 2

6. Impossible

What we are, what we do, what we believe, who we love. And yet - and yet. In spite and because. And tell you what, I'm here despite. Will be here, or maybe there. Whatever you need, whatever it takes. It takes two.

It takes much more, everything, if I had know, wouldn't change a thing. Say what you want, it won't change my mind, I'll feel the same - free, you and me, impossible and still…

Impossible is here and now, hands touch in hell, destruction all around us, safe in the depths of your eyes. One impossible smile - and us.

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7. Unlikely 

Sunshine in the park, my careless remark and the following lecture, your eyes so dark. What were you doing there? What are we doing here? Is it so unlikely? Tracing the scars with my fingertips, the lines at your eyes, the curve of your lips.

How unlikely that they should be different, but are. No question. Uniformity is army, this time they overdid. Still, so different, still unique. Being you- as unlikely as being me. Little miracles, nobody wonders, I can only care. Be there.

But that would be -unlikely. Like seeing your face in the crowd, only more so.

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8. Reasonable 

Wish I was, I used to be, insanity. It got me, got all of us. Where is my mind? Wherever you are. Death and destruction all around, but this is war. What was I expecting? Tracing lines that are not there, seeing things that are not here, wish you were.

Don't tell me what to do, I thought this through. Because I love you. Reason enough. And here I am, sick of it, in the thick of it, but making sense. Doing things. Useful, that is what I need to be, or he -I don't think he likes me much.

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9. Probable 

That I should be alone at night. That you should fight, that I must fight. That we may win, that we may lose, that we won't live long enough to choose. That there is nothing to choose at all, that we can only hope to stand, that there is no hope for us, especially not for us. That I shall not see you again, that one of us will die too soon, that the sun will set blood red, that promises will stay unmet, that words will stay unsaid.

There's but one way to find out, power up and go!

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10. Definite

The only thing that matters, all that is for sure. Still want more. No future, no past, failing now. And when I close my eyes the flashes of white turn red behind my lids. Too late for desperation. Too late for hope. One last stand. Give me your hand.

It's not as if anyone could do anything anyway. The last say , not ours. Just don't lie. I know, I know you don't. Neither did I. And when I open my eyes - all that is for sure - will be, for better or worse. Our Love. The War. Hope.

the end


	3. Week 3

11. Truth

This is it. Hard and cold, cutting edge, bruise and cut. I'm still standing. Truth in death, truth in life, never-ending strife. True you did, and you will do, but now so will I. Cause people to die. Cruel and blinding, truth.

Mirror, mirror on the wall, am I the killer of them all? Of course not, you do very well too. Too true. Together we shall make quite a dent. Truth in death, truth in us. Face it, still love.

Nobody said I would like it. Nobody said it was here. It is what it is. I am here.

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12. Trust

All I have, all I have, all I have, and all we have. Forever trust in who we are. Reach out, touch nothing, but know. Reach right back, and know, through in the impossible, invisible, intangible, trust that you do too. Miles apart, lives apart, standing still and believing. Reach out touch nothing, but know I do too. Touch though nothing, we know. One way. One day.

So here I am and there you are. Stare at the sky, wait for tomorrow, believe in our future. Believe in 'we', believe we'll be. We will be forever.

And nothing else matters.

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13. Honour

Your name and your clan. Your prowess and profession. Deeds done and deeds to come. What we have and fight for. Because of you- only for you- even your father. He doesn't like me. Yet.

But try as we might, it is what it is; we are what we are, in this war. This is no place for honour. I lost it, I found it, ask who you want. Maybe it's just an illusion. As long as you believe, I will live up to it.

_You'll get yourself killed, trying to live up to their expectations._ Would be worth it.

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14. Loyalty

To be here, again, alone; to see the stars, again, alone, and the ever-changing sea. This is what I chose to be. This is me.

He asked to know my loyalty.

How could I have lied? He doesn't like me. But I honour him anyway. This is what I chose to do. This is for you. No matter what it takes, where it makes me go, what it makes me do. This I chose. You.

So this is it. Here I am again. Alone as long as it takes and as my world shakes in its foundations - here I am.

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15. Love

Watching the larties touch down, pouring their white flood over the planet. Thrums of engines humming in the bones, the ears covered in the whining of repulsors. The silence in all that noise, frozen in place. I can see you.

Hidden in plain sight, I am wearing white, armoured bride, one among millions. All brothers, all lost. Doomed to die, and I - there is nothing I can do. I can see you.

Walk through the fighting, invincible, indestructible. One last step aboard; trooper and ARC, how do we look? So close, like brothers. And as my hand doesn't touch yours -


	4. Week 4

16. Gaze

Gaze at the sky, the stars in his eyes, their twinkle, their cold, as old; and he so young. Too young, they always are. Gaze out the window, remember the smiles, gone too soon they always are.

But standing and staring does nothing for me. Packing my bags, leaving, flee. Follow the stars, the gaze I remember, those eyes, they own me. So does he. Does he know? He knows.

But follow me, follow me, follow me. I'm running headfirst into doom. It always comes to soon. Didn't see it coming? Did very well. Eyes wide open and a smile.

.

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17. Wink

As the stars wink out, one after another, morning is grey and mist will gather. I want to gather - the moments in time, but winks of the stars, omniscient scars. Your hair, pain one; your face, pain two; your eyes, your voice, your smiles - too much pain.

I want it all again. And then, in the wink of an eye it is all gone. You wink and you smile and are gone. And I am left to count the pains. And count the days, make them numbers, make them small so they may vanish in the blink of your eyes.

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18. Distance

In the twinkle of an eye - a star - goodbye. For now, forever, never. And all the days separating us, they mean nothing. Right here, right now, no distance to measure, how far can you get in a heartbeat? Nowhere as long as my heart beats. You're in there.

Still feeling your fingers touch my face, remember the scent of those days. All locked in my heart. So close. And still -

Too far to touch, too far too reach, too long ago and away. Nothing is real, nothing to feel, nothing left to day. Goodbye.

We can only go so far.

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19. Cold as Ice

Blazing fires, stutter of guns, collapsing building, on the run. Turn around and fire, turn around and run, changing the power pack of the gun. The world falling down around us, rubble underfoot, another shot, another dead, moving on. On the run.

I can't see, I stumble, I want to cry, lie down, curl up, let everything die. Smoke and dust and whirls of ashes, frantic movement, shockwaves, blasting everything into oblivion. I do not want this, I cannot bear it. How could we ever invent war, when it is like this?

But you, in the middle of it all -

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20. Eternal Flame

Nothing lasts forever in the cold of space, no fire, desire, nothing burns and still -it is hell. Did I burn, did you burn? Did we both go down -in a blaze of glory? No tomorrow, leaving sorrow and a brighter day? Who can say?

Burn with me, burn me, it's all the same. No shame, not time for meaningless things as that, no time, just today, hold my hand, feel it burn. Let it burn, let it all burn bright.

Or we could chose time over blaze. How much time to do we have anyway? Forever is all today.


	5. Week 5

21. Steps

Step by Step, day by day; fall and crawl, no getting away. Go on, move on, no time to lose. Don't tarry, look forward. Single step, in step, move along, follow the lead, follow a song.

A swan.

Song.

Don't stop breathing, there's always one more mountain left to climb. One more river to cross, step after, step, day after day; and if the road isn't leading anywhere, who are we to care?

Time is moving on, we follow; fate will lead us anywhere. Take another step, and maybe then we're there. We'll know our destination when we see it.

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22. Stride

Take it all in my stride, hold my head high, no matter if I cry - inside. What I lost, and who I left, and what I only hope to gain. But the again -there is no way back. Getting your act together and move on. Pass by those faces by, they don't know, they don't understand, not one of them saw - hold you head high. Second to none.

Running the gauntlet -over my eyes, the back of my hand, a gauntlet, too. Passing old haunts, treading old grounds, one last goodbye, all in my stride.

If only I could fly.

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23. Stumble

Almost cost me my life, almost cost me _yours_. Close my eyes, bang my head - the guilt. Raise a weapon, shoot to kill, no time to think, don't think, don't think - _don't! _But did.

Morality, such a nice thing to have. I remember the days- back then, back home. Do the right thing, it's so deep inside, raise a weapon, realise - too late. Not uniform, not male, not strong, they fight all, and each in their own way.

Should have pulled the trigger right on, should have killed 'em dead.

Stumbled - over my own morality. Almost cost me your life.

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24. Leap

Over the abyss into the black, no going back. Fires behind me, fires in front, firing myself. A deecee -not for me. Over dead bodies, into your arms, close my eyes and-

All bridges torn down, stranger to home; home no longer, no family no bond, no bounds. Trust in you, come hell or high water; war's already here. Let go, don't let it show and-

Trust -in your eyes, in your hands, whatever fate demands. Give me a smile, and just for a while I don't care, you are there. I close my eyes.

Just have faith and leap.

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25. Fall

Sad, deep in your eyes; still there, and everywhere, forever, and in my eyes, too. Fooled? Me and you. Too fast, too slow, yearning to go, stumble and -

Falling

Within your eyes, the skies; not blue, but for you I will. Always will. Sweeping through pain, nothing in vain, we'll make it, forever. We can make forever. Making no sense, take my hand - dance. Try to hold on, stumble and -

Fall

Mornings of gold, strangers no more, our path, the stars, between the stars. Hand in hand, step by step, alone no longer, stumble and fall.

Falling

Falling in love


	6. Week 6

26. Gallant

Hit the ground, head spinning, ears ringing, blaster fire overhead. Not dead -yet. A silent smirk, an unhappened kiss, we raise our weapons - eat this!

Smacked down in the mud, not seeing a thing, not breathing -silence. Gasping for air, cover over there, a sprint under fire, more dragged than running, gunning them down from there.

Flat on my back in the boiling sands, nothing moving in empty lands -deceptive calm. Nothing but sunshine in our hands, but then as the laarty lands the ground erupting in enemy fire. Scrambling for life - again.

Gallant is different - but I want you.

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27. Filial

It's nothing but right, the notion, lavish affection- all the family you have. Don't look at me like that, go on, all's fine.

And sometimes, just sometimes, admitting, ashamedly, sadly, helplessly - jealousy. Because you may never love me like that, that bad.

Stupid, stupid, stupid me. Of course not. So, so what?

We may be standing on shaky ground, but we will make it. I will make it, whatever it takes to earn his acceptance, I'll make it. He's your father, you love him. Give me time, and so will I. Give him time, and a piece of your mind.

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28. Vexation

Another of those tiny missions, another of those small endeavours, flip a switch, no more than this. And here I go, and there I walk, inconspicuous, nondescript. Just another civilian on a planet full of them. Walking the line, again and again, it has to be done.

Small cogs and wheels turn mighty machines, a grain of sand and they stand. The smallest mistake may cost a life, the detail overlooked crash any plan. Hold my head high, do or die.

It's not so small, it's not so bad, but I feel it in the back of my head. Growing -

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29. Sublime

To never know what it's like; to never know what it's like. Grow up apart and keep apart - kept apart. Metal and transparisteel, between you and all and what you feel - the padding, maybe.

Caged up, cooped up, together in this, yet far apart. So that's what it's like - inside. Detached, separated, information overflow, the patterns glow right before your eyes, but do you know?

But when it's all over, the battle won, the enemy gone, you on your own, all alone. Take off the bucket. Who would ever see it, and don't you know -

- the wind on your face

.

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30. Superficial

The scratches, the hurt, the soot on my face, the now dried lines. Exhaustion, harsh words, tiredness, searing pain - I'd do it all again. I doesn't last. The scars on my skin are not even skin deep in, and the memory remains void of the pains. What remains of the days, I cannot say.

Nothing of this really matters, it will all fade away. Leaving scant traces, shallow tracks, forgettable matters, all of them. Only one thing I will keep; the only thing that matters. Looking at you, all I need to know.

This war was superficial, love runs deeper.


End file.
